Insecurity, guilt, and fear... Oh My!


Something unfortunate happened to me a few weeks ago. It was like walking along in a beautiful forest and then all of a sudden stepping into a noose and ending up dangling upside down by my ankles, tangled up in a net. As a new mama, i am amongst the vulnerable, prey to these subtle and luring traps. If i see an article, hear a suggestion, or read a headline about parenting at the wrong moment... BAM! Up i go! It's full on hook, line, and sinker. From one seemingly innocuous thing to the next, i slowly downward spiraled into a heady mess of insecurity and second guessing. I found myself in the gutter, the place where i am prime meat for the ruthless vultures of my self doubt, fear, and insecurity. I lost my center of gravity and with that, migrated up and out of my heart-body and into my mental, chatty head. It was awful! Not only was i missing the pleasure of full presence with Veda, but i was torturing myself trying to figure out what Rudolph Steiner would say about how i was raising her. Yeah, i know. Insane. Let me explain. 

This head trip i went on was catalyzed as i began to question whether or not Veda got enough time to "just be", as in lay around all by herself without my connection or contact. It all began because i read an article that said this is important for babies, which should have been a signpost for disaster ahead because our society is always coming up with new ways to sell mamas stuff that our babies don't really need, and to make our babies "geniuses" as though Fischer Price knows better then Mother Nature. Anywho, the article sited a popular infant education process and because one of the mentioned facilitators of this process likened aspects of it to aspects of the Waldorf School method, i went into a tail spin. Waldorf schooling is a path i really love and resonate with, one that we plan to provide for Veda in her life. And Rudolph Steiner's teachings on human development echo deep truth within me. So somehow, the disparate connection that was made in this article made me question whether or not my natural attachment practices were somehow contrary to the developmental teachings of Rudolph Steiner. Basically, i fed this online article to my fear, insecurity and neurosis and allowed it to, temporarily, completely dismantle my instincts. If you're a new mama i know you must worry about the most neurotic and insane things too. Right? Don't you? Sometimes i worry that if i leave Veda for too long she will forget who i am, or that if i am in a funky mood one day it could traumatize her for life.

In this frenzied state i was turned upside down. I wouldn't say i "lost my mind" so much as i lost my heart connection. To be honest, i was a bit too much mind for my taste! I became so wrapped up in this fear driven debate in my mind that it was as though i bore a black whole into my psyche and just began tumbling down the rabbit hole of my subconscious passing by varying levels of fear, guilt and confusion along the way. Thankfully, i eventually began to notice that that i was on a bad trip, and with that awareness i was able to send in a few rescue workers to recover me from this cave of neurosis. The rescue workers were compassion, humor, and most importantly, connection with other like-minded mamas who reminded me that all i need to do when the outside world muddies up my inner convictions is look into the animal kingdom. Do lions, tigers and bears worry about breast feeding too long, attaching too much, or providing their cubbies with enough tummy time? Nope. Surely, they do not!

Bringing myself back to the primal heart of being Veda's mama was all it took to sober me up and remind me that my heart, soul, and gut are all the mothering tools i need. Well, that, and some good homeopathic teething tablets for when the going gets really tough.