The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand in rapt awe, is as good as dead. -Albert Einstein
Today is a Full Moon (in Sagittarius). Have you ever noticed your relationship to the moon? This isn't so much related to motherhood, per say, but as women especially we are intimately linked to the moon. The moon doesn't only affect the ocean tides, but it connects with our fertile cycles and reflects the waxing and waning of women's monthly shedding and rebirth. As the light that illuminates the darkness of night, the moon is known to en-lighten within us the things that are still yet hidden or dark during the time of it's greatest illumination. Full moons hold a lot of power and purpose but like many things, sometimes we don't notice them much until we bring the light of our awareness to them. I personally can't seem to get past a full moon without knowing it! It's rarely a subtle time for me. I usually have some kind of breakdown, breakthrough, ecstatic illumination or revelation during the time of a full moon. A few days before a full moon is usually when "it" begins for me. I begin to feel a heaviness in my heart, a tiredness in my body, and/or a heightened mental chatter. Emotions are known to be "high tide" at this time. All i have to do when these symptoms arise is check when the next full moon is and without fail i find that it is trailing just a couple of days behind. As it begins to creep its way towards FULL status, it feels to me like a dense foggy shadow is hovering above and breathing down my neck.
This weekend was a bit rough because it's been a process for me to figure out how to be my FULL self within the 24/7 context of motherhood. It's very hard to be dealing with my own negative, overwhelming emotions or just plain lethargy on any given day when each day my sole (or you could say, soul) intention is to be fully present for Veda. Isn't that just the fine dance of motherhood... How will i manage to be everything for my child while also being there for me? I'm trying each day to find time for myself, time to go within as well as time to tweeze my eye brows. Sometimes they end up being a consolidated effort. I'm still trying to figure out "me" time (this blog is my first step).
In the Kundalini Yoga tradition, as well as in many spiritual traditions, the full moon is a time where people typically gather to utilize the moons energy for healing through group meditation and such. I don't have time for that these days, especially since we are mostly homebound by 6pm in order to begin the nighttime routine and get Veda to sleep. But either way, a full moon is a great time to go within, to use the extra light in the dark to see what we haven't yet been able to see within ourselves, to allow whatever wants to come up to arise. Going within can be hard with a little one vying for your attention. I have far from mastered that game, but i find that sometimes a 5 or 10 minute changing on the guards is all it takes so that i can sit silently with myself or write uninterrupted.
During a full moon, in that heavy moon trance, i usually just want to hide out. That isn't totally available to me these days now that i have a sidekick, but i really tried this Saturday when i was feeling "moony", as we call it at our house, to give myself permission to just be where i was at without guilt. And i sought to really remain present for Veda in the midst of my haze. Using my breath was key, as usual. Deep breathing is often the antidote. I don't think its always necessary or even helpful to try and shift into a higher mood or push through a bad one. I find that the best way to deal with a temporary cyclical funk is just to gently hunker down and 'breath' through the storm. Times like these are wonderful opportunities to work on how we relate to our own pain and suffering. How do we react in the face of our own emotional discomfort, anxiety, depression, fear and utter darkness? Do we try and strong arm it into feeling differently? Do we busy ourselves on top of it and pretend it isn't there? Do we act out and cover it up with drinking, shopping, gossiping, eating, etc.? Or do we invite it in, offer it a warm cup of tea and simply lean into it? How relaxed can we be with our own shadows? Can we keep an open heart when we are in pain? These are the questions i like to ask myself as i hunker down with my angsty, dark or depressive self, because the full moon and its witchery is temporary but how we treat ourselves can linger. Truly, surrendering to what is takes up less energy then fighting it. And preserving our precious energy is key when we have little beings who rely on it.
Every full moon has its own flavor, it's own personality. I like to think of full moons as creating portals of energy that help us along. Whether something deep is revealed to me or something peripheral illuminated, i like to think that each full moon presents itself as a spiritual opportunity one way or the other. Therefore, a challenging full moon is a good time to practice patience during unrest, or surrender and grace under fire, or even just a little self love during a time when it feels like the walls have closed in on you a bit. Times of darkness call for our gentleness and compassion towards ourselves, and that is just the bottom line.
So on this full moon/lunar eclipse combo, i invite you to look and see: What is begging for your attention? What is the anxiety (depression, confusion, etc.) really about? Sometimes it takes that extra bit of illumination to see what we haven't allowed ourselves to see before now. What within you is looking for your full awareness or attention during this months full moon? And can you find a way to make space for your FULL self and your little one all at once?
For more insight into this full moon's personality, check out Moon Circles and Mystic Mamma. It's also lunar eclipse tonight so look into that as well! It's obviously a juicy time for meditation and healing just before summer solstice.
**I dedicate this post (but really all of my posts) to my beautiful baby girl, Veda Moon. She was named after the great, divinely feminine, portal of light in the darkness. May the many moons she has ahead of her be easy on her heart and mind! And may the same go for all of us mamas too!